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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875486">love is watching someone die</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecondsmile/pseuds/thesecondsmile'>thesecondsmile</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>a tiny prayer to father time [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(thinking about), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Established Relationship, Hospitals, M/M, Major Illness, Marriage Proposal, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:13:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,184</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875486</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecondsmile/pseuds/thesecondsmile</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone would call him a fool for wanting to marry a dying man, but loving Steve was the only thing he knew how to do.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>a tiny prayer to father time [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117595</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>love is watching someone die</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>very angsty fic!  part one of a three-part series, where part two is the sad ending and part three is the happy ending, so I'll let you choose which one you want to read.</p><p>series and fic title from 'What Sarah Said' by Death Cab for Cutie, which is the inspiration for this whole thing!  (highly recommend you listen while you read this :')</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sitting alone in the white-tiled hospital hallway in the middle of the night, Bucky taps his foot on the floor until someone shoots him a dirty look.</p><p> </p><p>Suitably chastised, he sits back in the steel bench and tries not to let the anxiety take over.</p><p> </p><p>They had been having a lovely night, complete with the cheesy candlelit dinner and romantic background music, a rare grand gesture Bucky had made to treat Steve after a stressful period of deadlines and worries.</p><p> </p><p>It was all perfect, until Steve collapsed.</p><p> </p><p>All too familiar with the sight of his beloved boyfriend lying unconscious on the floor, looking deathly pale, Bucky had sprung into action.  Dialing the number for the ambulance with practiced hands, he had calmly taken Steve’s hummingbird pulse and checked his breathing before moving him into recovery position.  While waiting for the ambulance to arrive, he occupied himself by trying to figure out what was causing the episode this time.</p><p> </p><p>Lungs?  Sounded clear at the last visit to the doctor after the latest bout of pneumonia.</p><p> </p><p>Heart?  Cardiogram was normal two days ago.</p><p> </p><p>Kidneys?  Absent-mindedly, he stroked the scar on his lower belly where he had for once, been ushered into the operating theatre alongside a sickly Steve.  He had had to go through rounds of counselling and meetings with doctors before they allowed him to consent to the procedure, but the decision was a no-brainer for him:  he had given a part of himself to save his whole world.  Now, he just hoped that it wasn’t the kidneys again because he only had one more to donate to Steve.</p><p> </p><p>By the time the ambulance arrived, Bucky had rehearsed the usual spiel of pertinent information from Steve’s rich medical history and relayed it to the paramedics in a precise and professional manner.  It was only after he had entrusted that precious body over to the EMTs and all of his care along with it, that he allowed himself to break.</p><p> </p><p>He had sobbed for hours, years of struggles and fear-striped memories of the exact same scenario forcing tear after tear out of him.  The nurses had kindly tried to comfort him, but they all knew that words were cheap when his soul was in that surgical suite.  </p><p> </p><p>Now, when all his tears have dried up, leaving him as hollow and carved out as he feels inside, he can only sit and stare blankly ahead.  </p><p> </p><p>In a move that has become second nature to him, he reaches into his pocket and runs his fingers over the plush velvet of the small box that has been a weight in his pocket for weeks now.  </p><p> </p><p>The motion is soothing to him, not only in the soft feel of the material, but also because the object has come to be a symbol of all the hopes Bucky has for the future.  He’s not sure when the brotherly affection for the small boy had transformed into a fervent, all-encompassing love for the young man, but either way, he has never imagined a life without Steve.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone would call him a fool for wanting to marry a dying man, but loving Steve was the only thing he knew how to do.</p><p> </p><p>He’s been waiting for the right time to start this next monumental step in their joint lives.  It’s taken weeks to build up the courage to ask the question, a strange feeling when this is a person he has never been afraid to tell anything at all too.  And now, with Steve’s latest health scare, the fear and pain associated with the setting is just not the sort of thing Bucky wants to taint this perfect moment with.  He just hopes, above anything, that waiting for the right moment won’t mean waiting forever.</p><p> </p><p>A sudden voice interrupts his musings.</p><p> </p><p>“Mr Barnes?  You can go in and see Steve now.”</p><p> </p><p>Standing up at the sound of his name, he shoots the nurse a grateful glance and hurries into the room.</p><p> </p><p>It is not an unfamiliar sight, not after years of going in and out of various hospitals for virtually every organ in Steve’s body.  Still, seeing his friend, his partner, his love hooked up to machines that might be the only things keeping him alive, looking a brush away from death is a scene that will never fail to send a piercing agony shooting straight to Bucky’s heart.</p><p> </p><p>Hopefully this will be the last time.  Hopefully after this final episode, Steve will be able to go home with him.  They’ll get married in a beautiful ceremony, buy a cozy house with a lush garden in a nice part of Brooklyn.  Steve will do his art, and Bucky will cherish the days that he has the privilege of gazing upon this incredible man.  They’ll be happy forever, as long as they’re together.</p><p> </p><p>But that dream is a distant one from the cold sterility of the hospital room.  Now, he has to be strong for Steve, and be a rock for him.  And if that means that he has to carry him through all of this, over all the failing lungs and damaged kidneys, until they reach that dream, that will be a duty that he would fight to have.  </p><p> </p><p>For now, as he enters the room, he just clutches the velvet box tightly in his pocket and draws strength from that hope of a better life.  <em> Someday. </em></p><p> </p><p>“B-Buck, you came?”  Steve’s voice is weak and raspy and Bucky can already see how much those few words have taken out of him.  He foolishly tries to lift his head to look over at Bucky, who rushes forward to make sure that he doesn’t strain himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course I did, punk.  Can’t have you here all alone, who knows what you’d get up to?”  He smirks at Steve, but his attempt at levity is tempered by the tender way he strokes Steve’s cheek with a soft thumb. </p><p> </p><p>“Anyway, go back to sleep Steve.  It’s been a big day for you and we can talk in the morning.”</p><p> </p><p>Steve makes some feeble attempts to protest, but his eyes are already sliding shut, drowsiness dragging him back down into sleep.  Bucky just smiles and takes the silence as an opportunity to admire the dainty arches of Steve’s delicate jawline and the way his blond lashes gently fan out to dust the top of his cheeks.  </p><p> </p><p>The uniform whiteness of the starched hospital bedding is a far cry from the explosion of colour on their well-worn comforter at home, but the peaceful serenity in Steve’s expression still makes Bucky smile.  <em> Yes, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. </em></p><p> </p><p>Pressing one last kiss to Steve’s frail knuckles, Bucky settles back into the hard plastic chair and prepares for a long night ahead.  Letting the steady rhythm of Steve’s heart beat lull him to sleep, he watches the line of Steve’s heart monitor go through that looping pattern through lidded eyes.</p><p> </p><p><em> No matter what Stevie, </em> he thinks fiercely, <em> in sickness and in health, I’ll be with you till the end of the line. </em></p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>well... so I was happily writing my raccoon stories and then I had some extra time on my hands and decided to scroll through my list of fic ideas and saw this one, and then thinking about it made me sad, so here we are!  I was initially intending to only write this and the sad ending, but that made me too sad, so I have made plans for a happy ending. </p><p>This is a lot shorter than my usual works (okay well not compared to those authors who write gargantuan 30k+ chapters but it's 25% of my usual word count!) because I didn't have much else that I wanted to write about other than the feels here, but hopefully it's still good and you'll want to read the rest of the series when it comes out (likely next week and next next week respectively though we'll look at my impulse control)</p><p>as usual, please kudos and comment to let me know if you enjoyed it and if it also made you sad!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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